


In Search of Plot

by redsrule1



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2004-12-19
Updated: 2004-12-19
Packaged: 2017-10-03 03:20:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,689
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13619
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/redsrule1/pseuds/redsrule1





	In Search of Plot

"Hey," Xander began.

"Hey yourself," Spike mumbled, looking down at his sandwich.

Xander looked up and noticed that one of the Doublemeat Palace's fluorescent lights had developed a slight flicker. He studied it for a moment, as if it were an aldis lamp signaling to him in code as to what he should say next. He had rehearsed this moment over and over in his mind; how to say it just the right way, how to tell Spike in the gentlest way possible so as not to upset him too badly. After all, they'd been through a lot together, and even though what Xander wanted to say could change their relationship forever, he hoped they could still remain friends.

He looked across the table at Spike, whose attention was completely occupied by his sandwich, and decided it would be best to just say it and say it fast. Preferably while Spike's mouth was still full with the indecorously large bite he'd just taken.

"I signed us up to write an entry for that "Fall Of Spander" thing."

Spike's gaze didn't waver from his sandwich. The aldis lamp flickered steadily, signaling for Xander to stay the course, but remain cautious. Don't push, wait for a reply.

"Mmph." Sesame seeds sprayed from the vampire's mouth as he tried to talk through his food. "Zo whadderya gonna write?"

"We," Xander corrected. "What're we gonna write."

Spike swallowed. "You signed up for it, you do it," he retorted, taking another bite.

"I thought it would be a fun thing we could do together," Xander said, taking refuge in a bite of his own sandwich. The fluorescent light had tried to get his attention and stop him from saying that, but he had said it before either of them could prevent it.

"Harris, if I'd wanted a woman, I could have had one."

Mayday! The light almost tripped the entire city's power grid. Xander frowned at it.

"Personally," Spike continued, chuckling, "I felt that "Summer of Spike" had it all. Don't think they can top that. Unless maybe it was "Fall of Spike". Why'd they have to bring you into it?"/P&gt; Xander relaxed and finished chewing, and the light resumed its more normal, annoying flicker. "Because it doesn't always have to be about you. Besides, haven't we seen "the fall of Spike" enough times when Buffy was kicking your ass?"

Xander's next bite did not hide his smug smile. Spike raised one eyebrow in a look that asked "how'd you like to be the first meat in a Doublemeat patty?"

"She didn't..." Spike protested. "...well she -- a'right, let's not quibble over 'oo kicked 'oose ass --"

"Okay, 'Monty'" Xander pointed at him. Then he flinched as he was hit in the forehead by a tomato slice, which promptly slid off his nose and onto the table. "Hey! And, hey, how did you get a tomato on your sandwich? I didn't think they had tomato slices. But mostly, HEY!"

Xander picked up the tomato slice and flicked it back at Spike.

The two tablemates stared at each other for a moment. Then Spike blew a spitball at Xander.

** _Fifteen minutes later_ **

"I can't believe you got us thrown out."

"Me?" Spike looked at Xander sideways as they trudged home in the dark. "Takes two to tango, luv."

Xander held up both index fingers. "I didn't start it! You did! Now I can't go back there -- at least not until they forget what I look like."

"Just as well," Spike sniffed as he looked off to his left. "A few more of those Doublemeat burgers and I'm gonna wanna forget what you look like."

"Did you just say I look fat?" Xander's head snapped to look at Spike, then he pulled up short. "No, wait, forget I just said that."

"Gladly. Between that an' the 'somethin' fun for us to do together' line you're turning into a right li'l girl, aren't you?" Spike stopped walking as well and looked back; not at Xander, but past him, toward the Doublemeat Palace.

"Oh, yeah, about that," Xander brightened and resumed walking. "What do you think we should write about?"

"I'm still hungry," Spike grumbled, shoving both hands into his duster pockets.

"I was thinking maybe a little adventure story," Xander mused, getting into the spirit.

"Didn't even get to finish my sandwich."/P&gt; "It could be a pirate adventure."

"...Now IÃ¯Â¿Â½m gonna have to go back later and fish it out of the trash."

"I look the part already, you know," Xander looked over at Spike.

"Mayonnaise'll probably be spoiled."

"Aaaaargghh, matey! Thar she blows!" Xander leaned toward Spike. "And I don't even want to know what the hell you're talking about."

"I paid for that sandwich is all. I want what's mine," Spike frowned at him.

"And you're going to go fish a spoiled, half-eaten sandwich out of the dumpster?" Xander looked at him in astonishment.

"Wull, I left my change in the wrapper," Spike looked back in indignation.

"Oh, for--" Xander rolled his eye and dug into his pocket. "I'll give you your money. How much was it?"

"Five dollars," Spike sniffed and tilted his chin up. "Give or take a few cents."

"All right," Xander looked in his wallet. "All I've got is a ten. You got change?"

"Y-- No, it was my last five dollars."

"You can owe me five dollars then," Xander pulled out the bill.

"Forget it," Spike shrugged, "I'll just go back and get my--"

"Fine! Here! Take the whole ten." Xander grabbed Spike's hand and slapped the bill into it.

"Like I said," Spike smirked triumphantly as he folded the bill and put it in his pocket, "I just want what's mine."

"Does that include me?" Xander looked at him, watching his money disappear. "Don't know why I should care though. You're obviously still evil."

Spike was suddenly a step closer, his hand gripping Xander's crotch. "I thought you liked it when I'm bad," he murmured, a half-watt smirk tugging his cheeks as he looked at Xander's mouth.

"Oh! That's it!" Xander stepped back out of Spike's reach. "We could write a sex scene. That's what most people write about anyway."

Spike frowned, partly due to the change of topic, partly due to Xander's sudden immunity to his charms.

"Doesn't that, um --"

"Creep me out? Yeah, actually, it did at first. I'm kinda used to it now."

"That sort of thing oughta be illegal," Spike declared disdainfully. "Writin' stories about innocent people and postin'em on the internet."

"And look who's suddenly joined the ranks of the innocent," Xander mocked. "Not to mention the morally judgmental. You're probably right, though, what with all the things they make up." He paused, looking pensive. "Though they're always very, um, generous when describing your, um..." he glanced downward, "...equipment."

"Yeah?" the half-watt smirk returned. "How generous?"

Xander shrugged. "Ten at least," he replied, straightfaced. "Sometimes more."

Spike's eyebrows ticked up for a moment before a smooth smile settled on his face. "I'm warming to this idea of yours, pet. Maybe when we get home we could act out a scene and write it down."

"They'd probably like that," Xander's smile was growing.

"I'd like that," Spike emphasized.

"An authentic, true-life, Xander-Spike sex scene. They'd love it!" Xander declared, showing the enthusiasm normally reserved for discovering they still had time to watch his DVD rentals which were not, in fact, overdue after all, despite Spike's having left them scattered about the apartment, making them nearly impossible to find.

"Is that what they call it?"

"What do you mean?" Xander's mind returned to the conversation as both men resumed their walk home.

"'Xander-Spike' is it? Not 'Spike-Xander'?"

Xander heaved a sigh. "All right, yes, more people probably say 'Spike-Xander'."

"Well," Spike grinned proudly, "just wanna keep it authentic, y'know. Don't want to be feeding my fans any untruths. Gotta be fine, upstanding citizens. What'd you call it? 'Morally judgmental'?"

"Okay, I've already got a first line," Xander looked dryly at Spike.

"Can't deceive the public," Spike nodded to himself. "A champion always tells the truth."

"Xander watched as Spike lowered his zipper and pulled out his seven-inch--"

"'Course some embellishment can often improve a story," Spike broke in with a sharp glance at Xander. "'Sides, it's seven and a half."

"You said you wanted to be truthful," Xander reminded him, trying to look as wide-eyed innocent as he could with just the one eye to widen.

"Yeah, but too much truth all at once can be--" Spike hesitated. "Deflating. Anyway, are you sure you wanna write to total strangers about the details of our sex life?"

Xander stopped and looked incredulously at Spike. "Why not? You brag to total strangers about our sex life!"

"I do n--" Spike protested, then shrugged sheepishly. "Wull, not... just..."

"Yes...?"

"Okay, well just the ones that know Angel too. Look, maybe you should just show me some of these stories when we get home." Spike resumed walking very quickly, leaving Xander shaking his head, a few steps behind. "There's a reason it was only one time," he muttered so that Xander couldn't hear.

** _Half an hour later_ **

"Apparently I call you 'whelp' a lot." Spike was sitting at the computer, reading the story that Xander had downloaded for him.

"Yeah, what's up with that?" Xander carried two full glasses in from the kitchen, and set them both down on the desk next to the computer. Xander peered over Spike's shoulder at the computer screen. "I'm having trouble coming up with an idea for our story. The problem is we've apparently been everywhere and done everything already."

"Mmm?" Spike was still staring at the computer screen as he felt with his hand for his glass. He picked it up and took a big swallow, then made a face as he realized that he'd picked up Xander's soda by mistake.

"Mmm." Xander was reaching over Spike with his right hand to page forward in the document, and reached with his left hand for the other glass. "Of course we do spend an awful lot of time in my old basement."

"The basement," Spike repeated, waiting.

"Not the most romantic setting I would have thought of, but, hey, romance apparently not the priority in a lot of these stories." Xander took a big swig from the glass -- and immediately spit it back out. "Ewww! Gross!"

Spike wrinkled his nose in that self-satisfied way he had. "That'll teach you to pay more attention to what you're doin'. Now gimme my blood."

"Pleah," Xander spat, handing the glass to Spike, who stood up from his chair. Xander tried to wipe his mouth with his other hand, but Spike grabbed hold to stop him.

"Allow me," he breathed, leaning in close. He slowly licked the blood from around Xander's lips.

When he had finished, Xander looked at him. "Okay, that would have been sexy if the whole blood thing weren't so incredibly gross! Eww! I hate living with a vampire."

"That's funny," Spike smirked, eyeing Xander up and down. "Usually you like living with a vampire."

Xander sat down in the computer chair and took a big swallow of soda, swishing it around his mouth for a bit to wash away the taste of blood. He clicked the mouse a couple of times, bringing other stories up onto the screen. "Look at this." He pointed to one story in particular. "Usually I'm playing very hard to get, except for those times when I am immediately attracted to you and am ready to jump you in public."

"Yeah, well I guess we know that's fiction, don't we?" Spike grumbled.

Xander clicked through other stories. "We're enjoying the season, the holidays, and apparently we're quite well informed about current events."/P&gt; "...Tried to come on to you twice tonight already, and you're more interested in those damn stories."

"We like to have sex outdoors a lot..."

"...Made a pass at you outdoors a li'le bit ago, but you didn't seem to care."

"What?" Xander glanced at the vampire.

"Nothing. The outdoor thing makes sense, though, us bein' in a warm climate an' all."

"It's not that warm at night Spike," Xander reminded him, returning his attention to the computer screen. "And neither are you."

"Haven't noticed you complaining," Spike murmured close to Xander's ear, "Whelp."

"Uh huh," Xander said absent-mindedly.

"Wow, that's three times rebuffed," Spike muttered. "Don't think even Buff rebuffed me that many times."

Xander turned to look at him. "What are you going on about?"

Spike circled his hand in a 'never mind' gesture.

"What was that, 'Wax on, wax off'?" Xander's face brightened. "That's it! We can do a movie take-off."

"Uh huh..."

"Movies! We know a lot about movies, Spike. How about an adventure story with us in the starring roles?"

"If you suggest 'Interview With A Vampire,' you're sleeping alone tonight."

Xander chuckled. "No, but it could be a spooky film. How about 'The Sixth Sense'?"

Spike's eyes narrowed. "And the secret ending is that I'm dead?"

"Oh. Yeah."

"How about--" Spike began.

"Don't even suggest 'Pirates Of The Caribbean'."

Spike grinned sheepishly and changed the subject. "How about 'Apocalypse Now'?"/P&gt; Xander grimaced uncomfortably and looked back at the screen.

"I've kinda gone off that movie. But how about 'Star Trek: The Search For Spike'?"

Spike rolled his eyes. "No way am I going to be some Starfleet officer."

Xander snorted. "Yeah, Kirk and Picard only lost their ships once. You'd lose a ship every episode 'cause you'd get bored following Spock's plan or waiting for Troi to read the aliens."

"Those blighters take too long. I'd've given Kahn a photon torpedo up the backside to begin with, and saved 57 minutes of film and two sequels."/P&gt; "Witness why we're currently out of work," Xander muttered.

"Oy!" Spike sat up sharply. "'Ow 'bout 'One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest"? You can be Jack Nicholson."

"Why can't I be the one to suffocate you with the pillow?"

Spike stared at Xander for a long moment.

"Oh."

"That's twice now, Harris. Ya whelp."

"Whelp! I need somebody" Xander sang. "Whelp! Not just anyb--OW!" Spike smacked Xander in the back of the head. Hard.

Xander whirled to face Spike, and they stared each other down for a moment before Xander snapped his fingers. "'Spike and Xander's Excellent Adventure."

"Fancy yourself Keanu Reeves, do you?" Spike raised an eyebrow at him.

"Well, yeah, kinda. As a matter of fact I do fancy Keanu Reeves."

"Not fancy him for you, ya git. Fancy him as you. Or you as him, more like."

Xander shrugged self-consciously. "Well, I've got the hair, and I am taller than you."

"Are not," Spike looked affronted.

"You wanna get out a measuring tape, Spike?" Xander's voice couldn't hide the teasing note.

"Yeah," Spike's eyes narrowed at him. "Why don't we do that. Can measure all sorts of things, we can."

"And we can report the findings, accurately, for the record, in our story."

"I'll still win."

Xander cleared his throat. "Okay, not important. What about the movie?"

"Liked your first idea best, pet." Spike stood and spread his hand on his chest, then began sliding it around and downward. "What say we have our own adventure in the next room?"

Xander watched Spike's wandering hand with decided interest. "Wouldn't be a very original story, Spike."

"I can be creative. Besides, something to be said for the old standbys."

Xander licked his lips and turned to shut the computer off. Having made his point, Spike began to stroll leisurely into the bedroom, pulling his shirt off as he went.

"Well, it can be a sexy version of some adventure movie," Xander suggested as he switched off the living room lights and headed towards the now-lit bedroom. "What about something like 'Jaws'?"

As he stepped into the room he saw a half naked Spike standing on the bed. Assured of his audience, Spike lowered his jeans zipper and pushed the fabric off his hips.

Xander stared at him a moment. "I think we're gonna need a bigger bed."


End file.
